Change

I can't believe I did 3 in one day but I am. After talking to my parents about my relationship with my mom it made me think. Yeah I won't lie I do give attitude to my mom when she talks to me and I am very defensive. That I do and it strains our relationship but the way she always treats me doesn't help. She wants to know about my day and hear stories of my adventures but then she changes the subject or says that she already knows what happens. If its not that she just ends up telling me how I am not gentle and that I am angry all the time. Well you would be to if the amazing parents you have always want to be there for you but can always be there for you emotionally. They give me everything I ever needed or wanted and I am very thankful for it but I have had a hard time dealing with my problems. I couldn't always vent to my sister especially now that she has started her new life in New York. My dad tries and my mom does too but they think I don't listen. I do my best but I am their child and I do forget things but the support I seek isn't always there. My sister says that's why I need to move out. My last girlfriend was the only person that I had in a long time where I could confide in her with everything and anything. She thought all I did was talk shit about people or needed help but I just really needed to vent. She was my best friend and meant the world to me but now she doesn't trust me I don't even have a best friend anymore. She thinks I have been lying to her honestly if I had secrets only certain people would know. She would know I told her everything but if she thinks I have been lying to her and who ever is telling her this doesn't really spend time with me. The people the are always with me know the truth.

But anyways after learning that I don't have as much emotional support I found a select few who were willing to deal with me. I look to them as family more than friends and they know I would never lie to her and they know how I really am. I know I am not perfect but I know that the love I was looking for isn't really here in Sacramento anymore. What I do have left is my parents who do need a break from me. I know they mean well and love me to death but to keep lecturing me about changing and being better hurts. I am trying but its never good enough even with my ex I was doing what she wanted I was changing for the better she saw that but it wasn't good enough. I get it I am not good enough I am capable of change and improvement but I am not good enough. I need to leave here is my conclusion to go off on a new adventure where I can be at my own and learn what I need to learn. The 4 people that meant the world to me are fed up or getting there or left. My parents some times feel like I am a lost cause and some times I am amazing but still not good enough. My sister started a new life and her new adventure in NY living her dream. My ex only one outside of my family that I ever trusted thinks I am the worst person ever and thinks I am a liar. I know I am not as bad as she says but still knowing all these people that I look to for support can't always be there or refuses too hurts.

I am off getting ready for my next adventure now without them. My family is supportive and just forget about my friendship with my ex it's not even worth it if she believes the bs from people who don't really know me or spend time with. My dad was telling me if things don't get better he is going to give me a choice and he always tells me that he and my mom isn't always going to be around and I know that. So now I am preparing mentally to be on my own I have test dates and now set for the hiring process for LA county Sheriff's dept and LAPD, I also applied to SFPD and SJPD. I will go where ever they will take me now because whatever I need or am looking for is not here in Sacramento. I didn't get that job I applied for and have been waiting on for months. I am arguing with admissions counselors for sac state, I have no real friends anymore with the exception of like 6 people. I am ready for a change, a change of scenery, people just a change in everything. I don't want to be surround by fake people that pretend to care and talk mess behind my back. I don't want to be around people who don't do what they are going to say and can't keep promises. I don't want to be around people that ruin relationships with people that mean the world to me. Yeah you can blame me because there will always be partial blame for the person that people are hating on but its also on the people that can't get over it. I got nothing here and I don't want to bring that emotional baggage I don't need it where I am going. No one wanted to be there for me when I needed to vent or they secretly complained about it to others. So I don't need any of this life here I only pray that the next chapter of my life has a more positive spin. I only pray that I can get in so I can start this new adventure and finally start over.