Battles

I know I had a problem with picking my battles. Most of the time I would pick all of them telling myself that fighting for what you believe in no matter what the cost. Now there is the biggest battle in my mind right now. For a while I have felt guilty and unworthy of everything and I finally started to regain myself for the past couple weeks but the war rages on. Those nightmares maybe be a sign of a constant struggle. I don't know what I feel so guilty about I don't know what I have done wrong. I think the is the hardest part for me, I have no clue what I have done wrong. I have a lot of things going for me and I hope they all go through. I still help people and try to give back and serve the Lord when ever I can. I praise and thank him and try to pass it on to others. Now I feel like have an inner turmoil. I pray for an answer, maybe I left some one behind or I overlooked some one who needed me.

I am counting my blessings and I am thankful for what I have. I make sure that God knows that. I pray to get better but still nothing. I have to PUSH pray until something happens. But still this battle is destroying me and my mind. I don't know where to turn to or what to do. I hope for the things that I pray for happen. I am doing my best to be patient I know I need to but I don't know how much more I can take. It really is destroying me inside I feel lost and in pain. I will do anything for it to leave anything to get myself back. I miss the way my life was around March and April. My life was perfect at that time after that when it hit June it started to all fall apart. My life began to fall and I tried to not see it if I paid attention like I used to I could have fought to make it better sooner maybe I wouldn't be where I am today. My life is good and bad I have no balance now. I can't seem to balance out the good from bad even the things that used to make me happy make me feel sad. This war between myself needs to end but I am the only one that can end it but I don't know how.

The nightmares lack of sleep and loss of energy is just too much for me to endure. Some thing is missing and I don't know what it is and how to get it back. Whatever it is I hope I can find it soon because it might be the only weapon I need to win this war. When I find it I will finally be the man, the warrior and disciple of Jesus that I am supposed to be. At least the beginning of that person I am supposed to be.