Everyday

"Once in a lifetime means there’s no second chance so I believe that you and me should grab it while we can."

That line right there from high school musical 2 is so right. I guess I really did mess up my relationship I have no real second chance. I mean I do my best not to dwell but it still eats me up when she said I focused on her flaws. Flaws are things that you can't change like learning to be a good listener or being patient. I may not have always showed it but I tried to I was learning I mean I was in love with her for the first time. Yeah I have been in relationships but this one was different this one meant the world to me. But I didn't make her see that at least that what she tells me. I did encourage her I supported her when I could I was willing to do many things but then again I guess now she's focusing on my flaws. I don't know I should have showed her but I thought she knew. I thought she knew my world revolved around her. But I hate to tell myself its too late but I guess it is.

All I can do is write to sooth the pain it helps. Like my sister always says having a broken heart is the most important lesson you will ever learn. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger thats what everyone always says. Being strong was always something I had to push myself to be not just physically but mentally and emotionally. I have made many complicated decisions that wore me down and being in love help me stay positive but maybe with all the negativity I had hurt the ones I did love. I hope that I can completely let go of all the negative aura that surrounds me.

I mean I guess part of it is the fact that when I get hurt I don't always want to face it. I got to a point where I wouldn't let go though I forced myself to face things I may not be ready for it. That was the fighter side of me the determination to never fail. Now I have to face a different kind of pain again. It really sucks because no matter what I do my head will never be fully clear. I mean I can't watch TV without being reminded of the one I lost. When I read it still flashes, I lose sleep over it even when I think I'm ok. My life has been a constant fight of emotions. That's how everyone's life is actually.

There are some days when I am fine and others where it won't leave me alone. It drives me crazy knowing that it still hurts. The main inspirations in my life was always my parents, my sister and that one I fell in love with. I wish that it didn't end but it did, I wish that I could have her back because I know that there will be a slim chance of me finding anyone that can handle me. I mean I'm going to be 21 this year, I read comics, I train in mixed martial arts, I like High School Musical and Disney, and cars. Shoot I'm sensitive and conceited I mean I'm such a guy and a girl all at the same time. In a way you can say well rounded but to find some one who can deal with that as a girlfriend or something more is going to be hard. I already have trouble with my friends now a lot of time I feel like an outcast. I don't do the things that everyone else does anymore, I went through all of those partying phases already and now its no longer fun. I don't smoke and I don't really drink anymore.

I feel like I have no one to turn to. My sister is in New York and I don't really have a friend where I can talk to everything about. I feel so alone and all I ever hear that is that I can get through this. I know I can but its hard and to be honest I feel so weak. I also ask myself do I deserve this pain right now but I say yes but then I don't then it just goes back and forth. Do I help my fellow brothers or sisters in need or do I just ignore everyone? Is karma kicking my ass because of the negative I have done and how much pain have I caused.

Despite how much pain I go physically and emotionally I know one thing for sure. I will spend the rest of my life helping, counseling and protecting people. I chose to go into this field to make a difference and the only way I know I can is if I go into probation or parole. I am capable of being a counselor and a cop at the same time. If I was just a regular cop than I am only making such a small difference compared to a bigger one counseling people who just got out. If there is anything that I want to do more in my life is to make a difference in people's lives. I dedicate my life to protecting and serving others in any way shape or form.

Honestly I only write these things because it just helps me deal with life. I mean I don't do this to get back at any one. I don't do it for sympathy I just do it because it helps me clear my head about everything. For people who do read this thanks I hope that you can learn from my mistakes to avoid having pain that I have had. I pray and I hope I can accomplish the things that I set out to do. This blog seem so scattered but that's how I truly feel. Honestly some times I can't look myself in the mirror because of the confusion knowing that I hurt so many people or did I. How bad did I hurt love ones I mean that girl meant the world to me and I hurt her unintentionally. So who else did I hurt in the process so if I did I am sorry if I hurt you.

Dang this is long and I can't stop writing I mean now this time it is just straight nonsense. I can't keep my head clear of anything. School is going good, praying for that new job waiting on things I want but when did I let material things control me. I mean I don't regret anything because I learned from my mistakes but it doesn't mean the lessons don't hurt. I don't know I'm going to take a break from this right now I'll come back later to try and clear my head.